Nonviolent Communication

The power and significance of nonviolent communication is clearly in the air this January. On Monday, January 15, the nation celebrated the birth of Martin Luther King, Jr., best known for his role in the advancement of civil rights using the tactics of nonviolence and civil disobedience based on his Christian beliefs and inspired by the nonviolent activism of Mahatma Gandhi. The following Saturday, millions of women and men across the nation participated in the Women’s March, a mobilization and demonstration intended in part to uplift the voices and campaigns of the nation’s most marginalized communities to create transformative social and political change. Meanwhile, the U.S. government became paralyzed by a power struggle that has resulted in a government shutdown — evidence, according to the Washington Post, of “how poisoned the well has become.”

The former two events highlight the effectiveness of nonviolent communication, while the latter is a glaring example of the harm that results from communication characterized by what is referred to in nonviolent communication as the “four D’s of disconnection”: diagnosis, demand, denial of responsibility, and deserve.

Nonviolent communication (or NVC) plays an important role here at Windhorse. It is a major aspect of how we express our core values of healing through relationship and collaborative decision making toward the greater good. For that reason, Windhorse regularly offers community members the opportunity to learn and practice NVC through a study group in which we read the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg. The latest study group began on Wednesday, January 10, and will continue to meet for 12 weeks. The purpose of this article is to provide and overview of NVC and, with hope, inspire readers to learn more and integrate the principles into their own lives. You can also learn more about NVC and order the book by following this link: https://www.cnvc.org/

Overview of Nonviolent Communication

Marshall Rosenberg developed NVC as a model for expressing one’s core needs while prioritizing connection and relationship. It embodies a consciousness of compassion and clarity to transform habitual communication patterns such as blaming, criticizing, withdrawing, defending, complaining, and demanding. It provides productive ways to express ourselves and also to respond to others whose communication is difficult to listen to. NVC teaches conflict resolution and conscious communication skills by showing how to skillfully differentiate observations, interpretations, feelings, needs, and strategies as we talk and listen. These skills are applicable to intimate relationships, parenting, work situations, and “self empathy.” NVC demonstrates productive alternatives in expressing anger, making requests, compromising, saying “no,” apologizing, mourning, appreciating, and problem solving. The following information was adapted from Bay Area NVC, www.baynvc.org by Tom Murray, EdD.

NVC is based on five principles, or core beliefs

• We all have the same needs, and all of our needs matter.

• You can be upset with someone and still hold that their needs matter.

• For a list of universal needs, click here: https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/needs_inventory_0.pdf

• All behavior is an attempt to meet needs and no needs are ever in conflict (though strategies can be in conflict).

• This is where suspending judgement comes in.

• This requires a belief in self-sufficiency that there are enough resources to meet universal needs.

• Each individual is solely responsible for his/her feelings and needs.

• No one can make us feel something; once we are aware of our need (feelings are clues) many strategies arise to meet it.

• Prioritize connection over swift resolution of a conflict.

• In every conversation there are choice points to choose connection rather than being “right” or “resolved”.

• As a species, we are hard-wired to give joyfully

• The most consistent universal need seems to be our need for contribution.

The main goals of NVC are to

• Identify and honor my needs and others’ needs

• Take primary responsibility for my needs and my needs only (in adult relationships)

• Stay connected

• Notice and minimize judgements

The NVC Model

The NVC model uses four elements: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests (OFNR). The OFNR model can be used when expressing one’s own needs in a clear and connecting way, and also for empathetically or “actively” listening to another person, reflecting back our understanding of them using OFNR to show our caring and to check for whether we understand.

Observations

Description of what is seen or heard without added interpretations. For example, instead of “She’s having a temper tantrum,” you could say “She is lying on the floor crying and kicking.” If referring to what someone said quote as much as possible instead of rephrasing. You are trying to phrase it so the other person is willing to agree with your description.

Feelings

Our emotions rather than our story or thoughts about what others are doing. For example, instead of “I feel manipulated,” which includes an interpretation of another’s behavior, you could say “I feel uncomfortable.” Avoid the following phrasing: “I feel like . . . “ and “I feel that…”—the next words will be thoughts, not feelings. For an inventory of feelings, click here: https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/feelings_inventory_0.pdf

Needs

Feelings are caused by needs, which are universal and ongoing and not dependent on the actions of particular individuals. State your need rather than the other person’s actions as the cause. For example, “I feel annoyed because I need support” rather than “I feel annoyed because you didn’t do the dishes.”

Requests

Asking concretely and clearly for what we want (instead of what we don’t want). The request must be “do-able” and in measurable time. For example, “Would you be willing to come back tonight at the time we’ve agreed?” rather than “Would you make sure not to be late again?” By definition, when we make requests we are open to hearing a “no,” taking it as an opportunity for further dialogue, hearing the “yes” behind the no.

Expression, Empathy, and Self-Empathy

Expression: Using “I” statements, clearly separating data or observations from interpretations, and developing skills in being aware of and expressing one’s feelings are common suggestions. The NVC model adds two things to this important set of communication habits: identifying and focusing on ones core needs, and making clear requests.

Empathy: In NVC, we empathize with others by guessing their feelings and needs. Instead of trying to “get it right,” we trust that the person with the feeling will correct us. Our guessing allows that person to know we want to know what they are feeling and seek to understand. The observation and request are sometimes dropped. When words are not wanted or are hard to offer, empathy can be offered silently.

Self-Empathy: In self-empathy, we listen inwardly to connect with our own feelings and needs. It is that connection which enables us to choose our next step.

Roadblocks: Obstacles to empathetic listening and expression

–Alienating expressions of unmet needs; obstacles to nonviolent communication–

• judgments, comparisons, interpreting, analysis, diagnosing, explaining

• criticism, blame, shame

• moralizing, lecturing

• demands, ordering, threatening

• denial of responsibility, justifications

• avoiding; withdrawing, shutting down

• ridiculing, attacking

• humoring, distracting, story telling

• reassuring, sympathizing, consoling

• questioning, interrogating

• advising, educating, fixing, correcting

• one-upping (my situation is even worse..)

Shifting from stuck

Pause — 2. Self-empathy — 3: Curiosity — 4. Compassion

NVC is more a state of mind, a compassionate type of consciousness, than it is a set of procedures or rules. The aim in listening to another is to be able have an open heart, or “soft belly” and experience a deep compassion for and connection with the feelings and needs that they present.

There is much more to learn about NVC, but we hope you have enjoyed this overview and perhaps feel inspired to learn more and begin integrating this liberating practice into your daily life.

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